Good Morning, Mr Wilson
by atothendy
Summary: "Forget new students, the X men just got a new teacher. Who? Me. Now sit down and learn your numbers." Deadpool joins the X Men in the hopes of bettering his job resume, and eventually drags Wolverine and the rest of the team into a war with the Weapon X Program. Will anyone even survive? *Rated T for swears situations and sexiness*
1. INTRO

*Disclaimer #1* Anything_ italics_ indicates internal thought. Anything in Italics and surrounded by_ *asterisks* _are rational Deadpool's quips talking to regular Deadpool. So technically his conscience I guess_._ Hey come on, the guys crazy.

*Disclaimer #2* There is some serious shattering of the fourth wall. But it's canon because Deadpool actually does that in the comics.

*Disclaimer #3* Like most of you guys writing… I don't own marvel.

*Disclaimer#4* That cover is NOT mine. I can't find whose it is either. So if it is yours and you're reading this, I'm sorry, and may I use it. You look lovely today. Really. I'm not just saying that.

**~NOTE, YO!~ -** I just rewrote this chapter; if you read the original one… that one's technically chapter two. It's getting spoofed up. I'm sorry. Also updates are gonna be slow. School and all. I'm four papers behind in one of my classes. Eugh.

* * *

The X mansion stood before the midday sun - exposed, smoldering, and very much destroyed. Pieces of its boney supports poked out of the ground, and the surrounding fires forced jagged shadows across the expanse of its scorched front lawn. Wrecked almost beyond all recognition; the only thing that gave away the buildings identity was a plaque against one of the walls that was still intact. It, too, eventually crumbled under the touch when the police finally arrived on the scene.

At first glance, it looked as though someone had managed to contain the apocalypse to this one spot on Earth. Upon closer inspection though, the authorities were able to tell where the explosion had gone off - but not what started it. Just past the place where the front doors once stood was a large crater, and near the middle of it was a large piece of twisted metal that was slowly bowing from the strain of the heat and flames. It eventually wound up as a large, soft pile of white-hot metals that was overlooked mostly due to its inconspicuousness, and the fact that there were already many piles of burning matter that looked much more like clues than the one in the crater.

As the sky eventually darkened from the smoke and the coming night; and the firefighters became wary of their search for survivors, a figure emerged from the ashes and looked back to seemingly admire its handiwork. It stumbled, stretched, straightened, and then skulked around the edges of the firelight and the shadows, adamant on remaining out of sight. It eventually loped off into the surrounding forest, looking back to make sure no one had taken notice of its departure.

The smoke continued to billow from the largest crater on the grounds for the night, despite the firefighter's concerted efforts. While they managed to find a few people among the wreckage, none of them were alive. They searched for days, but in the end found no survivors. While they realized that whatever had destroyed the mansion and its inhabitants was the same thing that caused the crater – they never found who, or what, created it.

_~~~~~~~~~~~~A Hella Lot Earlier…~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

"Three hundred and four… three hundred and five…" Wilson looked up and noticed one of Stryker's medics passing by him. She had a clipboard with her, and was pacing slowly in front of the line-up evaluating their performances.  
"Ten… ten… ten…"  
"Mr. Wilson?" She turned to him, with a slight frown. "How many push-ups have you done?"  
Deadpool watched her standing there, poised with her pen waiting for his answer. "You're really hot."  
Her frown deepend. "Your count?"  
"Well I'd give you eleven but you're not nake-"

"What's the hold up here?" Skryker walked in, with another doctor trailing after him, muttering about numbers.  
The medic turned to her boss and looked apologetic. "I'm unable to fully acquire Wilsons data. He's not… forthcoming with the information."  
Stryker turned to chatterbox mutant on the ground and scowled. "Wils-"  
"She's hot."

An annoyed groan came from one of the other men at the end of the line. "Its three oh five!" someone shouted.  
_Probably Logan, _Wilson figured.  
"Goddamnit! You fucked me up!" Victor suddenly jumped up, thoroughly pissed. "What number was I at?!"  
"TEN!" Wilson hollered back.  
"FUCK YOU!"  
"Victor, go take a break." Stryker shooed at the elder feral, who seemed adamant on staying.  
"I'm not tired. What number was I at?!"  
"You're dismissed-"  
"Like hell I am." He dropped back to the ground, refusing to allow anyone within the room to get a higher count than he. _I'll fucking catch back up_.

"Hey you guys ever realize this entire room sounds like its having an invisible orgy?" Wilson shouted at the floor. There were a couple snorts down the line in response, and a glare from Stryker and the medic. "No I'm serious! Bunch of guys in here grunting like-"  
"Wade! Start from zero!"  
"Aaaw!" Deadpool rolled onto his back. But I was so close to four twenty!"  
"Three oh five…" Logan mumbled loudly.  
"FUCK YOU!" Victor howled again.

~~~~~~~~OoO~~~~~~~~~

After showering all the push-up sweat away and quickly scoffing down his dinner, Wade decided to put his plan to action.  
"Everyone!" He shouted to the group of mutants lounging in the recreation room. "I am about to go to sleep. Do not come into my room. Or wake me. For I will be sleeping." He slowly back out the room, still shouting. "If you come in… I… won't do anything because I will most definitely be sleeping." He shut the rec room door and hoped that would be enough incentive to keep them away.  
_What if it's not?_  
He shoved his head back through the door. "GOODNIGHT! I MUST SLEEP NOW. DO. NOT. WAKE. ME!"  
"ALRIGHT FUCK OFF!" Duke shouted, not taking his eyes off the TV.  
"G'night..._fatty_." Wade squealed and rushed away; almost hoping the large man would run over and attack.  
"I'm gettin' real sick of that asshole." Duke muttered.  
He got four other grunts of agreement.

~~~~~~~~OoO~~~~~~~~~

Deadpool hurried back to his room, and slammed the door shut. He walked over to his cot, knelt down, and quickly glanced left and right. Finally assured that no one was spying on him, he pulled out a case from under his bed and snickered. Opening the latch and peering inside, he let out the loudest and most maniacal laugh that he could muster, and then quickly fell silent. He patted its contents and whispered, "You're a dirty girl."  
Shedding his sweatpants, he flopped onto the cot and wondered in the back of his mind if he remembered to lock his door. He shrugged, grabbed some paper towels and the magazines from the case and went to work.

~~~~~~~~OoO~~~~~~~~~

"Wilson's doing something stupid." Zero muttered into his hands.  
"Does he ever _not_ do anything stupid?" Chris retorted.  
Silence.  
"Someone should check on him, before he blows this place up."  
Silence.  
"Victor why don't you-"  
"I'm not a babysitter. If you're so worried, you go check on him."  
Silence.  
"Fine."

~~~~~~~~OoO~~~~~~~~~

Zero stood outside Wilson's door. It was quiet.  
_Maybe he really is sleeping_.  
He knew better though.

Logan passed by, hoping he could get to his room without anyone bothering him.  
"Uh…" Zero started, reaching out to stop him.  
"Nope." Logan shook his head and quickened his pace passed the man.  
"…Dammit."

~~~~~~~~OoO~~~~~~~~~

Wilson discarded his fourth piece of paper._ If I keep going at this pace, I'll run out of toilet paper as well... I need that_. He thought he heard shuffling outside his door and paused, straining to hear more. He stayed still for a while, then went back to the magazines. _Must be the wind_.

~~~~~~~~OoO~~~~~~~~~

Zero stood there for almost ten minutes before he mustered the courage to even knock. _No,_ He frowned. _Let's do this the right way_.  
"WILSON!" He howled, shot at the doorknob lock and kicked the door in. "I-"

The two men froze, staring at each other.  
Wilson didn't stop or bat an eyelash. He lowered his voice and whispered, "Do you have any more magazines?"  
Zero stood there, mouth agape. "Oh. My. Loving. Lord. Fucking stop doing that."  
Wilson hadn't stopped when Zero had barged in. "I gotta finish-"  
"Stop."  
"I can't-"  
"Wilson… please." Zero whined a bit at the end. "_Stop."  
_"What's- OH…" Victor flinched, shut his eyes and stumbled back out of the room. "GAH!"

Wade watched him go, and rubbed the magazine one last time. "Listen, I'm about to run out of paper, got anymore?"  
"No."  
"Don't act like you don't clean your guns."  
"Don't ever say that to me again."  
Wade sighed, put down the gun and its magazine that he was cleaning and pulled his pants back on.  
"Why are you even naked?"  
"Because…"  
Zero watched him put the guns and their ammo away, and clean up his paper towel mess.  
"Because I have the right to be bare and have arms."  
"DID YOU DO ALL THIS FOR A GODDAMN PUN?!"

_~~~~~~~~~~~~A Hella Bit Later…~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

Wilson watched as Logan seemingly collapsed from the realization that his girlfriend… like, cheated on him or something.  
_Man what a pussy, my girlfriends cheat on me all the time and I don't care.  
*You shot them.*  
Once.  
*No you shot her like, fifty times.*  
She kept twitching.  
*You shot her spine.*  
Oh._

Wilson stayed crouched down, waiting for Stryker to give the signal to attack Wolverine with his epic swords THAT WERE NOT ATACHED TO HIS HANDS, and to shout at him with his mouth THAT WAS DEFINITELY NOT SEWN SHUT. After much bickering and misty eyes, Logan punched Victor in the face and went to liberate the mutants because his cheating lady had cancer.  
_*No, his girlfriend has a sister.*  
Oh-hoh! Wolvie's dropping his lady for her sister? Nice.  
*No no, she has a sister in here!*  
DOUBLE TROUBLE! That man has it all._  
_*NO! Agh, go stand behind that door. It's about to open dramatically and Logan's gonna say something snappy.*_

Wilson stood there, following orders, and then retreated to a giant silo thingy.  
_Seriously, are we farmers now? What's this thing doing here?_  
_*Watch out, big brothers on the left.*  
Whaaat? I thought they hated each other cuz Vickie got the last cookie.  
*That… never even happened*_  
_Well shit someone needs to put it in the script._

Deadpool ducked under one of Sabretooth's clawed fists and managed to kick Logan in the stomach before he got his head lopped off and was thrown off the edge of the silo… thing.  
_DAMMIT NOW I CAN'T SEE THE EXPLOSIONS!_

~~~~~~~~~~~~Another Hella Bit Later…~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wade got up and found his head, straightening it on and giving the bones and muscles some time to stitch themselves back together. He turned in the spot, realizing that he was partially naked in the middle of an abandoned island.  
_ If I were in a continuum in a movieverse, I'd probably be somewhere between the first Wolverines Origins and X1. You might even say that First Class is currently happening in the background but my scripter isn't paying attention to it.  
*What*_  
_How long have I been out?  
*Wolverine got another movie about him*  
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME._

* * *

_Aaaaaaaand theres the real intro. Sorry about that. Thanks for reading!_


	2. Job Applications

To the future! There's a bit of a time skip here :)  
Disclaimer: The disclaimers are still the same.  
Thanks for reading!

* * *

"…And that's why you should hire me."  
Charles Xavier didn't move, instead opting for the apologetic-eyebrows-and-concerned-smile face.  
Wilson continued. "I was thinking you could pay me like, seven dollars an hour, and then after that it'll jump to fifty."  
"Mr. Wilson…"  
"Alright, sixty."  
"Mr. Wilson…" Professor X cleared his throat a little and smiled. "I'm afraid we're not… looking… for any teachers right now."  
Deadpool nodded. "I thought you'd say that. But I'm fully qualified; I got my Bachelor of Science from the University of Kickass."  
Professor X looked at him doubtfully.  
"GET IT? I GOT MY BS FROM THE UK!"  
"WILSON! I appreciate you coming here, but we simply do not need another teacher."

"Buuuuuuuuut I got this!" Wade pulled a sheet of paper from his sleeve and slammed it onto the Professors desk. He folded his arms in confidence and grinned, "Can't turn me down now, can ya?"  
Professor X took the soggy and badly crumbled piece of paper and stared at it. It was a crude drawing of Deadpool and a list of all his good qualities. "Is this your…?"  
"Yup! My résumé; pretty snazzy, huh?"  
Professor X read it over. "2 gunz…?"  
"Yeah I got two guns." Deadpool aimed an imaginary pistol at the window and pew-pew'd.  
"Not… sick?"  
"Yeah. I'll never have to take sick leave cuz I'm never sick! And I don't die!"  
"… Super fun timez lolol!1!..." Professor X sighed and rubbed his brow, " Wilson-"  
"I know, I know." Deadpool went around to the professors side and patted his shoulder. "You're so emotional. You've never found anyone with more credits… more… credicimals… credentals… creddapaples… credentiallas - more smarter than me."  
"No…"  
"Great! I'll take the room next to Wolverines!"  
"Wade, we-"

Deadpool collapsed to his knees in front of the professor and begged. "PLEEEASE! Haven't you ever had a dream? A dream of becoming… a teacher?" Wilson got back to his feet and one arm hugged the Professor. "Imagine a world… a world with children…" Deadpool's voice cracked a bit at the end, and he wiped away an imaginary tear. "A world with children wanting to learn… and no one to teach them." Deadpool straightened and raised a fist. "I SHALL BE THAT TEACHER! THAT TEACHER WHO TEACHES TEACHY THINGS TO THOSE CHILDREN. I SHALL TEACH AND THEY SHALL LISTEN FOR I AM THEIR TEACHER AND THEY ARE MY CHILDREN!"

Deadpool imagined fireworks in the background, and a majestic eagle screaming and clutching the American flag.  
"This is my destiny…" He whispered.  
Professor X stared incredulously at the red and black clad idiot besides him. "But why? Surely we can find you some other occupation if you _are_ to stay here."  
"Well I _am_ a mercenary, but I figured I'd dabble in the arcane arts a bit ya'know, might look good on the résumé."  
Professor X watched the man take out a crayon and draw an arrow pointing to his foot and wrote "magician" on his piece of paper.

"See, now you _HAVE_ to hire me." He put the crayon back in his pouch and leaned back in the chair. "So when do I start?"  
"Never."  
Deadpool shot back up.  
"I'm sorry to be so blunt, Wade." Professor frowned a bit, "but we are all well aware of your history, and we simply aren't looking for anyone with your sort of… credentials."  
"Are you saying my credapples are no good?"  
Professor X nodded slowly, then shook his head no, then yes. "Uhm. I'm afraid… yes?"  
"You wound me."  
"I'm very sorry."  
"I don't think my healing factor can fix this broken heart."  
"I'm sure you'll be right as rain."  
"The pain… it reminds me of my past."  
"I'm very sorry Mister-"  
"My past is pain."  
"I know, I can read your mi-"  
"I was a normal baby for fifty seconds."  
"Yes-"  
"Then the samurais stole my mother."  
"I'm-"  
"I had to play the fiddle just to get by."  
"Deadpool you never-"  
"The water was always cold."  
"What?"  
"I never learned how to walk…" Deadpool sobbed at the end and then howled, "There's no place in this world for a cripple!"  
"Don't be ridiculous you're not cripple-"  
"AND NOW!" Deadpool jumped up and pointed accusingly at the professor. "Chase your dreams, they said, be what you want, they said. And look where it gets me! JUDGED BY A BALD GUY IN A WHEELCHAIR!"  
"Mister Wilson!"  
"DO YOU EVEN LIFT?!"  
"WADE! For goodness sakes I have nothing against you, we simply aren't hiring!"  
"IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID TO WOLVERINE?!"  
"Logan is simply an adjunct, his real job here isn't teaching."  
"He's a murderer! YOU'RE ALL MURDERERS! MURDERERS OF PURE DREAMS AND PURE THINGS LIKE WATER AND RINGS!"

Scott popped his head through the door, oblivious to the shouting. "Professor, Emma Frost wants to know which room to take. Remember Emma Frost? The new teacher you just hired? That telepath? The telepath that you hired to teach at this establishment, the X Mansion? Yeah, our new teacher. She's teaching. Where do we put her?"  
Professor X and Deadpool stared at Cyclops; mouths slightly agape.  
"A new teacher?" Deadpool asked.  
"Yeah she's teaching."  
Deadpool looked back to the Professor, "I gotta use the little boy's room real quick, 'kay?" He darted out the room and made a beeline down the hall.  
"Scott!"  
"What?"  
Professor X wheeled passed the red-lensed mutant, dispelling the mind control that Emma Frost had placed on him moments earlier. _Is she trying to start world war three?_ Professor X thought. "Scott, go find Logan and check on Deadpool. I'm going to go chat with Emma."

~~~~~~~~OoO~~~~~~~~~

Deadpool wandered around the mansions grounds and lower levels for a while, acquainting himself with his new home. Getting into the mansion was no maybe; he _had_ to get in there, permanently. His employer's plan wouldn't work out if he just skulked around the perimeter.  
_*We should draw out our employers identity.*  
You mean like drag it out over seven chapters and eventually reveal it in chapter eight when everything goes for a ball of shit?  
*Yes, keep the readers guessing.*  
But what if they guess who it is once they realize that after I left the X-facility I started working as a mercenary and in a funny twist of fate was reemployed by my former boss and taskmaster Stryker?  
*They won't guess.*  
Yeah. And even if they did they'd never guess that I actually **** **** **** *** ***. * ******** ******* ** *** ** *** *-*** *** ******* *** **** *** **.* ****, **** ** * ****** * **** *** *** ****** ** *** ****** **. * ***** ****** **** ****, **'****? ***! ***! ***** *** ** *** **** ** *** ********** *** eighty freaking years.  
*Exactly.*_

~~~~~~~~OoO~~~~~~~~~__

Deadpools first order of business was getting into Cerebro. Since he wasn't technically allowed in Cerebro… or the basement that matter, he had to come up with a good excuse. He'd tried being an electrician earlier that month that came to investigate "strange electrical fluctuations from the bowels of the manor" and tried to weasel in that way. Not even Rogue fell for it.  
_I thought she'd be dazzled by my charm and wit.  
*You stared at her breasts for five minutes and didn't even say your lines.*  
Oh maybe that was it… IS THAT THE KITCHEN?!_

__Deadpool spun around and ran back to the room he'd just passed.  
"Look at all the… chrome… and… food… THERES ENOUGH ROOM HERE TO MAKE FIFTY TACOS!"  
_*Let's not get carried away…*  
_"Yes…" Wilson snickered and rubbed his hands together, "LET'S!"

~~~~~~~~OoO~~~~~~~~~

Deadpool eventually pulled himself away from the food in search of his objective. He gripped fast to the bag in his hand, and hoped he wouldn't have to run into anyone and shoot their heads off.  
_Actually, that'd be fun_.  
He pried open Cerebros door using his blades, then settled down near its console.  
"Time ta get ta work!"__

~~~~~~~~OoO~~~~~~~~~

Scott and Wolverine had searched everywhere in the mansion, and despite Deadpool's scent being everywhere – including the girls locker room, the man was nowhere to be found.  
"Maybe he felt bad and left?" Scott wondered aloud.  
"Doubt it. He seemed like a creep ta me." Wolverine scowled and looked down the hall. "There's only one place we didn't look."  
Scott followed his line of sigh. "The danger room?"  
Logan looked over to him, then back down the hall. "Okay two."  
"What's the other?"  
"Cerebro."  
"That's-"  
"Not somewhere we've been, Summers."  
"Fine, fine." Scott held up his hands yieldingly. "I just don't think he'd be able to get into either one."

~~~~~~~~OoO~~~~~~~~~__

Deadpool was busy pulling the crust off his bread when Scott and Wolverine found him inside Cerebro. "Jeez you guys never sit still do you? I've been sitting here watching you all scurry around for, like, HOURS."  
Scott bristled "What are you-"  
"I was looking for your girl Jean but I couldn't find her 'cuz I was hungry." He shoved the entire sandwich into his mouth and struggled to close it. "Dish is nudding." He consoled a disgusted Scott. "You shud shee ha many cakes ah can fhi in here."  
Scott said nothing, and refused the piece of bread that was offered to him. "What did you say about Jean? Why are you looking for her?"  
"Trust me four eyes, I'm not gonna bang your wife."  
"I never said-"  
"You never had a chance anyways."  
Scott was lost. He made a strangled "uh" sound and tried to figure out what Wade was talking about. "Uh… yeah sure… okay, but what are you doing _here_. You're in a restricted area."  
"The epic bald man said I could."  
"He didn't give you authorization to have a _picnic_ in _Cerebro_."  
Deadpool looked around, surprised. "Cerebro? I thought this was the bathroom."  
"That bathro- AGH, get out!"

Deadpool gathered up his things and shoved them back into his bag. "And here I was, trying to set everything up nice and pretty, but NOOOO, the bathrooms not good enough for you."  
"This is Cerebro! And no one wants to have a picnic in the bathroom!" Scott ignored Wolverine doing nothing to help behind him. "Just get out, NOW!"  
Deadpool turned and threw a piece of baguette at Scott. "YOUR MOTHER WAS A GREAT DANE!"  
"WHAT?!" Scott howled.  
_*You're pushing hiiiiim*_  
Deadpool groaned. He'd left his guns in the car.  
_Stupid, stupid, stupid idiot_.  
He backtracked, not wanting to ruin his beautiful face before he met Scotts broad. "Uhhh… your mother… was a…" He winced as Scott played with his visor. "Your mother was a… great… dame." He finished lamely. "Yeah. Dame."

Scott froze. This was the second time in only thirty seconds where he couldn't come up with anything rational to say.  
"Well, be seeing you. I got classes to teach." Wilson turned and ran up the stairs, squealing and expecting to be tackled within an instant. When nothing happened and he reached the top of the stairs, he sighed in disappointment and walked dejectedly back to the Professors office.  
_Nothing fun ever happens here. If Stryker caught me trespassing in the good ol'days, I'd be shot, stabbed, drowned and stabbed again.  
*Yes but you'd die. You didn't have Logan's healing factor yet.*  
Healing shmealing. I got two gunz. Logans only got… like…  
*Six swords?*  
Yeah but they're not standard sword length you see? I feel like he just has three and a bit. Or maybe four if we're generous.  
*Are we generous?*  
No not really. He probably has two._

* * *

_*Will Deadpool get away with his diabolical scheme? Will Emma Frost start World War Three? Will rational'pool ever get his own chapter?! Probably not. But stay tuned next... time... for THINGS!* _

_*...If you want. I guess. I mean, you do what you want. You do your thang. Gurl. Guy. Shoot.*_


End file.
